Living life

Living life like I'm going to die tomorrow.

I just read an inspirational book, where the author lived his life as if he were to die tomorrow. In some ways this man packed more into life at the age of 50 then most people who live to be a 100.

I've decided to be like him. Like I'll die tomorrow and what kind of mark I want to leave.

One thing is my time on the computer. For the last five years, I have been horribly addicted to it. Just like being a crack addict, I couldn't stay away. It was the first thing I did in the morning and the last thing I did at night. Not the right way I want to live. Funny that my bread and butter (or what it's going to be) is all about computers, but not the social aspects of it.

I do want to continue to blog, but here in itself, this space is going to become defunct. I only want those that love and care about me to read about me, my other blog will be private.

And on that note, I've left a list that has brought me great joy and great pain. I wish all those on that list a very happy life. And someday, when the addiction is over and I am in a better space, I may rejoin. That day may never come, who knows, but I do know that taking these baby steps to wean myself away from the computer is making me happier. I'm sure there will be those moments that I'll want to relapse, but I've already set steps to remind myself why I do not want to do this.

And I leave you with this:

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

traditional gaelic blessing

Defining Moments

We all have them. Those moments in your life that change your life, completely and forever.

I had one this morning. A long walk with Puppyman frolicking in the waters and running at breakneck speeds at the park, gave me time to think. Emotions running as fast as Wyatt, I composed this in my head. I went to my parents, relishing in the quiet and letting the dog run in and out at his leisure, and thought some more about what I had read this morning.

What I have screamed and shouted NO to, for weeks, maybe months. And I realize that I lost the battle. With one word, "liberating". That word says so about someone's state of mind.

My last two relationships I walked with no looking back. Didn't want to, didn't care. With this one, on that fateful day in February, I didn't want to walk with no looking back, I was still in love. I wanted some sort of reprieve, but like countless of men and woman on death row, I waited until the last second for that phone call to come, but it never did. I wanted some sign that I would be able to heal my heart with her and together we could move on, but that's not to be.

With wanting to know how she was doing, I checked in. I read with dread that she's moved on, liberating herself from me and all that I represent. Door closed, bolted, locked and bricked over for extra security, for her.

For me it was a sucker punch to the stomach. A hit below the belt that left me wanting to curl into a fetal position never to rise again.

This moment defines now the rest of my life. The next few months will be tricky untangling her life from mine, but I now know for certain, that this is the only way it will be.

With no looking back, she moved on.

Are they better than you?

At your lowest point in a break up, you wonder why the person that profess to love you stops loving you. What outside forces changed this. I've seen people go through horrendous ordeals in their relationships and come out the other side more committed and stronger than they were before. So what's the difference? Is it the people that are involved? Are the ones that tough it out together, just stronger, better people? Was their love stronger or better?

Maybe they just know the true art of a relationship. Maybe that's something that I'll never know. Maybe I just pick the wrong ones to fall in love with. The ones, that when you get right down to the nasties, bail.

So how do you go about finding someone that doesn't bail? Someone who will stick it out with you to the bitter end. Someone that will always have your back. Do you put an ad out that says in part, "must be willing to handle tough times"? How do you find someone with the character and backbone to stay.

I'm asking here people, 'cause I got nothing on this.

Becoming Me

This weekend was a hard one. Boxing up Dharma's stuff was an emotional roller coaster. Saturday was so bad that I blew off the neighborhood ladies get together. Lisa was such a sweetie, she just kept calling to make sure I was okay. She even got Carol involved sending me messages on face crack.

Lisa has deemed herself, with Amanda's help, the pre-screening crew of my next girlfriend. Supposedly they already have a criteria. Gotta say, that's more than I've got right now.

I was barely alone last week, so those thoughts and memories were held at bay. Saturday as I worked through clearing out and moving my stuff around, gave me too much time to think. Starting to regret my decision not being with the girls, I decided to reach out to an old friend and see if we could reconnect again. I'm sorry that I waited as long as I did, (see previous post).

Sunday was easier. Cold and rainy, I spent the day going through my things and figuring out what I wanted to keep and what could go in the garage sale or what I could just get rid off. It was liberating. Like shedding unwanted pounds. I found things that I hadn't seen before my move to California. Um yep, that needs to go. Like a lot of things in my life right now, I'm cutting things off and out of my life. Things that I have no real reason to hang on to are gone. And that goes for people too. I worked through face crack and deleted people I really don't need to know, or care about.

It may seem that my world is growing smaller, but in reality, I'm just cutting out the excess in my life. Giving me more time to concentrate on what's really important. For the first time, in a really long time, I'm putting me first. I'm concentrating on what I need, and what I don't need. And just like the feeling of getting rid of my excess stuff, it's liberating.

He never said, "I told you so"

He laughed with me and made me cry as only he can do. Whispered his version of sweet nothings to me, but never once did he say, "I told you so".

I can't wait to see his eyes and fall into his arms again. To feel some what whole again, as only he can do.

As he whispered a sweet good night to me, I realize that my silver lining is shining bright.

Self Discovery

It's been a week of huge changes for me. A week filled with sadness and loneliness, but also filled with hope and sweet surprises.

Looking back on this week, I realize that the hope and sweet surprises are starting to out weigh the despair. I also realize that I've started making changes that are good for me. Changing old routines and replacing them with healthy ones.

Last night I went and looked at a house that would have been a good investment for my mom, but realized that this house was just too big for one person. It needs a family to fill it. It was beautiful with it's marble fireplace and stain glass window. Original woodwork throughout. Large kitchen with two porches off it, fabulous for entertaining. Three very large bedrooms and two and half baths. You just don't find this kind of house in this neighborhood. Wandering through it my heart delighted at the little touches throughout, but at the end I surprised myself by telling Holly that it was just too big for me. The old me would've jumped on it, not thinking of the drawbacks and the true commitment it would take to bring her back to splendor. The burgeoning me, knows what I'm looking for, and what I need.

And surprisingly, this is also what I'm thinking about needing in a partner. It's still sketchy at best, but I don't want the repeat of old patterns. Of falling into what a relationship should look like, but instead, what it truly means to be in a relationship with that person. And I learned this last night at dinner.

After viewing the house, I went from there to Betsy and Galen's for dinner. As I watch the tender way they danced their way through preparing dinner, one they have done a thousand times before, but with grace, respect and most of all love. And realized that I wanted and deserved that kind of love. One that develops over time. A love that surprises you by falling in love with someone all over again just from the tenderness of that moment.

I also realize that I need to stop the negatives in my life. To cut out the things that trigger negative thoughts. To stop being concerned with what others need of me and concentrate on the positives. Past abuses led me down the path of this notion that I don't need or deserve a certain kind of love. From family, friends, and yes, even a partner. Baby steps, I know, but I'm starting to enjoy the path to self discovery.

Note to Self...

concerning your cats. Always make sure they have dry food before bed, so you don't become part of their Indy 500 race track at 4 in the morning.

Kthnxba-bai (dumbass)!


concerning your dog. If you take him to a brand new park, let him off leash to enjoy the pond, he's going to take off into the woods. Your heart, being in the condition that it is these days, can not take the stress! Please be advise in the future not to let your dog off leash, no matter how much he whimpers and begs.

Kthnxba-bai (double dumbass)!